october 20, 2006

…just in the mood for writing blog entries
…im so used to writing journals
…but obviously I had to stop for reasons that I've preoccupied myself too much with school stuff
…and im having clinical duties, case studies, ward classes and all

…I have to juggle a lot of things all at the same time…

However, there are some points in our lives where we just have to accept things and slow down…when every thing seems to be moving fast, we just have to put ourselves to a halt…
Pause our lives.
STOP.

there are lots of things that we have to consider especially if it involves other people…

sad to say…
ive been so down lately…

for the reason that ive just been in a situation where I have to choose between being selfish for letting someone stay or being fair for letting someone go…

but I chose the latter one…

I did let somebody who have been so important to me GO…

today is supposed to be the 6th month of having him in my life not until I asked him to stop…
just last night…

there are some things that I cannot contain about him…
but other than that, the most battle I have to face is within ME…

im having conflicts with how I feel…I just felt that im not ready for a commitment…whenever the feelings get more intense, I have no choice but to withdraw myself from the scenario…

I'm too afraid of the relationship that it might not end up the way I wanted it to…im too scared of taking the risks…im too tired of getting hurt that I have difficulties trusting people…

i cannot gain any more confidence in the people around me…because I always think of them taking advantage of me…

I always get this kind of 'paranoia' when facing these kinds of dilemma…so I just take myself out of the scene and leave the other person alone…

talk about being SELFISH…
im way too selfish than anybody else…because I always think of only myself without considering others' feelings…
I don't consider the hurt that they are going to feel just because of what I did…
I don't think about the effects of my actions and just cause other people pain…

but I have to be FAIR…
I cannot just let other people continue loving me if im having doubts about the whole thing…
I cannot just let them enjoy what we have while I torture myself with mind boggling issues that only I am concerned about…

Truth matters.
And that's what the truth…


That's the reality that I have to work on before letting myself in another situation…
I suppose this is going to take me a lot of time before I could actually let myself go and try again…


I just don't want to hit the 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button once again…
I want to live this life without feeling any guilt…
I want to savor every moment…
But this time, I won't let any strain of doubt get in my way…
I have to take risks…
I have to gain confidence…
I need to be certain.
I need to find security.
I have to trust…AGAIN.



(xxx)
enough said.