am i being taken for granted? is it my fault to be true? why do people always see something in me that i cannot even perceive to be real?...why is there always a flaw that is addressed right to my face as if im not human that i have my imperfections too...
(xxx)
enough said.
10.26.2006
10.25.2006
***agos
kailan nga ba ako naturing na mahalaga...
na ni minsan sa aking buhay ay hindi ko pa nadama..
hanggang saan patutunguin ang kalungkutang tinatamasa...
isang tawag ng paghimig kong nag-iisa...
tuwiran at malayo ang laging natatanaw...
pagsuyo ng pag-iisip kong lubos na nauuhaw...
sa kada tagpo ng pagdaramda'y hindi sadyang...
malumbay ng higit pa sa makakayang matimbang...
masakit mang mapagtantong mahirap magpadala...
sa katotohanang hindi puwedeng magpawala...
ng poot sa damdamin, puso't kaluluwa...
na maaari lamang palipasin sa pag-iyak at pagluha...
hindi kayang tunawin ng mga matang nakatingin...
ang bawat haplos na kailanma'y hindi maaaring angkinin...
nasaan ba ang pag-aarugang tanging inaasam..
ni kahit kislap ng pag-asa'y di pa nakakamtan...
hindi kayang tumbasan ang hapdi ng nakaraan...
nakatahi na sa kahapong di maaaring palitan...
ang bigat ng kalooban ang tanging pinapasan...
na tuwina'y bitbit pa hanggang sa kinabukasan...
itinakda nga ba ng panahon na ako'y magkaganito?
sa bawat pagkilos at pag-iisip ko ako'y litong-lito...
ang kirot ng nadarama'y kahit pa tumatagos...
matitiis sa panahong di papapigil sa pag-agos...
(xxx)
enough said
na ni minsan sa aking buhay ay hindi ko pa nadama..
hanggang saan patutunguin ang kalungkutang tinatamasa...
isang tawag ng paghimig kong nag-iisa...
tuwiran at malayo ang laging natatanaw...
pagsuyo ng pag-iisip kong lubos na nauuhaw...
sa kada tagpo ng pagdaramda'y hindi sadyang...
malumbay ng higit pa sa makakayang matimbang...
masakit mang mapagtantong mahirap magpadala...
sa katotohanang hindi puwedeng magpawala...
ng poot sa damdamin, puso't kaluluwa...
na maaari lamang palipasin sa pag-iyak at pagluha...
hindi kayang tunawin ng mga matang nakatingin...
ang bawat haplos na kailanma'y hindi maaaring angkinin...
nasaan ba ang pag-aarugang tanging inaasam..
ni kahit kislap ng pag-asa'y di pa nakakamtan...
hindi kayang tumbasan ang hapdi ng nakaraan...
nakatahi na sa kahapong di maaaring palitan...
ang bigat ng kalooban ang tanging pinapasan...
na tuwina'y bitbit pa hanggang sa kinabukasan...
itinakda nga ba ng panahon na ako'y magkaganito?
sa bawat pagkilos at pag-iisip ko ako'y litong-lito...
ang kirot ng nadarama'y kahit pa tumatagos...
matitiis sa panahong di papapigil sa pag-agos...
(xxx)
enough said
10.21.2006
war of hearts and minds
pardon me hate...
that's all i have to say..
for leaving you alone
in this silent despair...
i got so twisted in this whole thing...
and i got all jammed...
and im too confused to bear
whatever's unplanned...
i am so sorry...
for inflicting you so much pain...
i know ive tried not to...
but things were just not the same...
i am reluctant to say
that i've been the one who's wrong...
for this had never been my option
but i admit im not that strong...
even if i appear weak
i know that wouldn't save...
what we have now for there's too much
you already gave...
i cannot let things go on
as how they do now...
for i do not want to be so unfair
and stay biased somehow...
i know life will treat you kindly
and reward you with your greatness...
while i get to be stucked in this
and suffer my loneliness...
i need you to understand
that i have to stop this for your own sake...
for what we had was too much to handle
and difficult for me take...
but still i am grateful
ive had the chance of knowing you...
but that won't be enough for me
not to stay true...
i have to face alone
whatever there is left for me and you...
there's one thing i am really sure of
and that's ive truly loved you...
(xxx)
enough said.
that's all i have to say..
for leaving you alone
in this silent despair...
i got so twisted in this whole thing...
and i got all jammed...
and im too confused to bear
whatever's unplanned...
i am so sorry...
for inflicting you so much pain...
i know ive tried not to...
but things were just not the same...
i am reluctant to say
that i've been the one who's wrong...
for this had never been my option
but i admit im not that strong...
even if i appear weak
i know that wouldn't save...
what we have now for there's too much
you already gave...
i cannot let things go on
as how they do now...
for i do not want to be so unfair
and stay biased somehow...
i know life will treat you kindly
and reward you with your greatness...
while i get to be stucked in this
and suffer my loneliness...
i need you to understand
that i have to stop this for your own sake...
for what we had was too much to handle
and difficult for me take...
but still i am grateful
ive had the chance of knowing you...
but that won't be enough for me
not to stay true...
i have to face alone
whatever there is left for me and you...
there's one thing i am really sure of
and that's ive truly loved you...
(xxx)
enough said.
10.20.2006
october 20, 2006
…just in the mood for writing blog entries
…im so used to writing journals
…but obviously I had to stop for reasons that I've preoccupied myself too much with school stuff
…and im having clinical duties, case studies, ward classes and all
…I have to juggle a lot of things all at the same time…
However, there are some points in our lives where we just have to accept things and slow down…when every thing seems to be moving fast, we just have to put ourselves to a halt…
Pause our lives.
STOP.
there are lots of things that we have to consider especially if it involves other people…
sad to say…
ive been so down lately…
for the reason that ive just been in a situation where I have to choose between being selfish for letting someone stay or being fair for letting someone go…
but I chose the latter one…
I did let somebody who have been so important to me GO…
today is supposed to be the 6th month of having him in my life not until I asked him to stop…
just last night…
there are some things that I cannot contain about him…
but other than that, the most battle I have to face is within ME…
im having conflicts with how I feel…I just felt that im not ready for a commitment…whenever the feelings get more intense, I have no choice but to withdraw myself from the scenario…
I'm too afraid of the relationship that it might not end up the way I wanted it to…im too scared of taking the risks…im too tired of getting hurt that I have difficulties trusting people…
i cannot gain any more confidence in the people around me…because I always think of them taking advantage of me…
I always get this kind of 'paranoia' when facing these kinds of dilemma…so I just take myself out of the scene and leave the other person alone…
talk about being SELFISH…
im way too selfish than anybody else…because I always think of only myself without considering others' feelings…
I don't consider the hurt that they are going to feel just because of what I did…
I don't think about the effects of my actions and just cause other people pain…
but I have to be FAIR…
I cannot just let other people continue loving me if im having doubts about the whole thing…
I cannot just let them enjoy what we have while I torture myself with mind boggling issues that only I am concerned about…
Truth matters.
And that's what the truth…
That's the reality that I have to work on before letting myself in another situation…
I suppose this is going to take me a lot of time before I could actually let myself go and try again…
I just don't want to hit the 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button once again…
I want to live this life without feeling any guilt…
I want to savor every moment…
But this time, I won't let any strain of doubt get in my way…
I have to take risks…
I have to gain confidence…
I need to be certain.
I need to find security.
I have to trust…AGAIN.
(xxx)
enough said.
…im so used to writing journals
…but obviously I had to stop for reasons that I've preoccupied myself too much with school stuff
…and im having clinical duties, case studies, ward classes and all
…I have to juggle a lot of things all at the same time…
However, there are some points in our lives where we just have to accept things and slow down…when every thing seems to be moving fast, we just have to put ourselves to a halt…
Pause our lives.
STOP.
there are lots of things that we have to consider especially if it involves other people…
sad to say…
ive been so down lately…
for the reason that ive just been in a situation where I have to choose between being selfish for letting someone stay or being fair for letting someone go…
but I chose the latter one…
I did let somebody who have been so important to me GO…
today is supposed to be the 6th month of having him in my life not until I asked him to stop…
just last night…
there are some things that I cannot contain about him…
but other than that, the most battle I have to face is within ME…
im having conflicts with how I feel…I just felt that im not ready for a commitment…whenever the feelings get more intense, I have no choice but to withdraw myself from the scenario…
I'm too afraid of the relationship that it might not end up the way I wanted it to…im too scared of taking the risks…im too tired of getting hurt that I have difficulties trusting people…
i cannot gain any more confidence in the people around me…because I always think of them taking advantage of me…
I always get this kind of 'paranoia' when facing these kinds of dilemma…so I just take myself out of the scene and leave the other person alone…
talk about being SELFISH…
im way too selfish than anybody else…because I always think of only myself without considering others' feelings…
I don't consider the hurt that they are going to feel just because of what I did…
I don't think about the effects of my actions and just cause other people pain…
but I have to be FAIR…
I cannot just let other people continue loving me if im having doubts about the whole thing…
I cannot just let them enjoy what we have while I torture myself with mind boggling issues that only I am concerned about…
Truth matters.
And that's what the truth…
That's the reality that I have to work on before letting myself in another situation…
I suppose this is going to take me a lot of time before I could actually let myself go and try again…
I just don't want to hit the 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button once again…
I want to live this life without feeling any guilt…
I want to savor every moment…
But this time, I won't let any strain of doubt get in my way…
I have to take risks…
I have to gain confidence…
I need to be certain.
I need to find security.
I have to trust…AGAIN.
(xxx)
enough said.
10.06.2006
***utak na lito
anong mali.
hindi ko alam.
bakit palagi na lang mali ang nakikita?
wala na bang ganda ang mundo?
sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid mo, kaya mo pa bang talikuran ang totoo?
masaklap.
oo.
masakit.
mahirap.
pero ang lahat ng iyon ay dapat.
bakit?
dahil sabi ng Diyos.
Sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. pero ang lahat ng mga pangyayari'y itinakda. kaya mo bang ipagpaliban ang iyong nararamdaman?
oo.
bakit?
dahil handa kang masaktan. handa mong tanggapin ang lahat para sa taong iyong piniling mahalin.
kailangan?
oo.
dahil dapat kang maging handa sa lahat ng puwedeng mangyari para sa kaligayahan ng iba.
kung natural sa tao ang magmahal, bakit may nananakit?
bakit dapat may nasasaktan???
(xxx)
enough said.
hindi ko alam.
bakit palagi na lang mali ang nakikita?
wala na bang ganda ang mundo?
sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid mo, kaya mo pa bang talikuran ang totoo?
masaklap.
oo.
masakit.
mahirap.
pero ang lahat ng iyon ay dapat.
bakit?
dahil sabi ng Diyos.
Sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. pero ang lahat ng mga pangyayari'y itinakda. kaya mo bang ipagpaliban ang iyong nararamdaman?
oo.
bakit?
dahil handa kang masaktan. handa mong tanggapin ang lahat para sa taong iyong piniling mahalin.
kailangan?
oo.
dahil dapat kang maging handa sa lahat ng puwedeng mangyari para sa kaligayahan ng iba.
kung natural sa tao ang magmahal, bakit may nananakit?
bakit dapat may nasasaktan???
(xxx)
enough said.
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