***2006 the year that was

December 31, 200612:40am


year ender post.
tae.

isang taon ang lumipas pero eto p rin ako.
aheeee.
ganon pa rin.

pero malaki ang pinagbago.
huh? labo.

oo.ganon ata tlga.
aun nga.

siguro
ang masasabi ko lng sa nagdaan na taon na ito..
mejo naging super rollercoaster ang mundo ko.
dahil sa mga bagay bagay na hindi ko naman kontrolado.


halimbawa na lang.
kontrolado ko ba ang utak ng aking professor ng magbigay siya ng isang do or die na tipo ng test na kung saan pag nasagot mo ang nag-iisang katanungan, 100% ang grado mo.pero kung ndi, 50% ka lang?partida, bunutan pa ang tanong. at isa pa, un lang at katangi-tanging test sa buong midterms.


so ano ang grade na nakuha ko?
edi 50%.
sandaling pagtayo mo lang sa harap.
bagsak ka na.


at dahil don.
ayoko na mag aral.
iyon ang nagsilbing mitsa ng aking katamaran.

hindi na ako nagrereview.gumagawa ng homework at nagpapasa ng requirements.

sa madaling salita, hindi na ko nag-aaral.hanggang sa mawala na ako sa dean's lister at naging puro dos na ang dating niruruler kong grade.

pero wala.
tamang sige na lng.
oo ka nlng.


hinayaan ko na lang umagos ang panahon hanggang sa naging third year na ko.

dito rin sa taon na tohn
atuto akong maging mejo rebelde sa aking pagkikilos at pananamit.
sa taong ito rin ako nagsimula maging sarili ko.
tipong nawalan ako ng pakialam sa kung ano ang sasabihin ng ibang tao.


binago ko ang buhok ko't mas naging pihikan ako sa pagporma.
mas naging "creative" pa ako sa paghahayag ng aking sarili.
ngayon, meron na akong pa-post post ng blog na nalalaman.

dati, wala akong panahon sa mga ganitong bagay.
pero nakita ko ang kahalagahan ng pagbabahagi sa iba ng aking pakiramdam.


marami rin palang bato sa mundo.
akala ko, naiwan lang akong nag-iisa dito sa buhay na toh.
halos lahat ng tao sinasabing hindi ako bagay maging emo.

pero.
ndi ako plastik.orocan.tupperware.
at kung anu-ano pang tatak ng di nabubulok na lalagyan.


mahirap maging peke sa sarili mong katauhan.
at lalong mahirap panindigan sa iba ang nais mong pangatawanan.


mas nakilala ko rin ang sarili ko nitong taon.
hindi lang pala ko isang taong manhid na tagapagmasid ng mundo.
marami rin pala kong pwedeng ibahagi sa iba.

ewan ko lang sa kanila
pero para sa akin, malaking bagay ang napapakita ko ang kaibahan ko sa lahat.

tae pala ako.
este
tao pala ako.


hindi pala ako ganon ka manhid na parang tinurukan ng sampung anistesya ang puso ko para hindi na ako kailan pa makaramdam.
kung iisipin, siguro mga limang beses lang tinurukan ang damdamin ko.

kahit pano.
nakakaramdam pa pala ako ng sakit.
tama lang pala masaktan.
para matuto ka.


naranasan kong iwanan ng iba.
mang-iwan ng iba.
mambitin sa ere.
malugmok mag-isa.
lahat nitong taon lang.



un nga lang.
kapag hinayaan mong saktan ka ng iba,kelangan mong bumangon mag-isa mo.

iiwanan ka na lang nila ng ganon ganon lang.
habang ikaw, nagmumukmok na lang sa isang tabi't di malaman kung ano ang sunod na gagawin.

bahala ka talaga sa buhay mo.

pero sadyang ganon.
walang pakialam ang tao sa damdamin ng iba.
marami ang puro sarili na lang ang iniintindi.
parang walang bukas kung magpaka-busy.


teka.
parang ako yata un.
masyado ko kasing hinayaang maubos ang panahon ko sa mga bagay na hindi rin naman pakikinabangan ng iba.


pang-sarili ko lang.
hindi ko inintindi yung damdamin nila.
nakalimot din ako sa mga dapat kong gampanan sa kanila.
naging malaki ang pagkukulang ko hanggang sa akala nila, nakalimot na ko ng tuluyan.

mahirap tumungtong sa mundong tinatayuan ko ngaun.
maraming mga "sana" na hindi ko ginawang "dapat"
huli na nang maisip ko lahat un.
pagsisisi na lang ang natira sa akin hanggang ngayon.


pero
ganyan nais paikutin ng Diyos ang mundo.

kaya kapit lng.
agos lng.

makikita ko rin ang hatid ng bagong taong darating.
maging maligalig lang sana ito para sa akin.



*buntong hininga*
*bow*

December 31, 2006
01:30am

**while listening to imago's "sundo"


(xxx)
enough said.

taken for granted?

am i being taken for granted? is it my fault to be true? why do people always see something in me that i cannot even perceive to be real?...why is there always a flaw that is addressed right to my face as if im not human that i have my imperfections too...


(xxx)
enough said.

***agos

kailan nga ba ako naturing na mahalaga...
na ni minsan sa aking buhay ay hindi ko pa nadama..
hanggang saan patutunguin ang kalungkutang tinatamasa...
isang tawag ng paghimig kong nag-iisa...


tuwiran at malayo ang laging natatanaw...
pagsuyo ng pag-iisip kong lubos na nauuhaw...
sa kada tagpo ng pagdaramda'y hindi sadyang...
malumbay ng higit pa sa makakayang matimbang...


masakit mang mapagtantong mahirap magpadala...
sa katotohanang hindi puwedeng magpawala...
ng poot sa damdamin, puso't kaluluwa...
na maaari lamang palipasin sa pag-iyak at pagluha...

hindi kayang tunawin ng mga matang nakatingin...
ang bawat haplos na kailanma'y hindi maaaring angkinin...
nasaan ba ang pag-aarugang tanging inaasam..
ni kahit kislap ng pag-asa'y di pa nakakamtan...


hindi kayang tumbasan ang hapdi ng nakaraan...
nakatahi na sa kahapong di maaaring palitan...
ang bigat ng kalooban ang tanging pinapasan...
na tuwina'y bitbit pa hanggang sa kinabukasan...


itinakda nga ba ng panahon na ako'y magkaganito?
sa bawat pagkilos at pag-iisip ko ako'y litong-lito...
ang kirot ng nadarama'y kahit pa tumatagos...
matitiis sa panahong di papapigil sa pag-agos...



(xxx)
enough said

war of hearts and minds

pardon me hate...
that's all i have to say..
for leaving you alone
in this silent despair...


i got so twisted in this whole thing...
and i got all jammed...
and im too confused to bear
whatever's unplanned...


i am so sorry...
for inflicting you so much pain...
i know ive tried not to...
but things were just not the same...


i am reluctant to say
that i've been the one who's wrong...
for this had never been my option
but i admit im not that strong...


even if i appear weak
i know that wouldn't save...
what we have now for there's too much
you already gave...


i cannot let things go on
as how they do now...
for i do not want to be so unfair
and stay biased somehow...


i know life will treat you kindly
and reward you with your greatness...
while i get to be stucked in this
and suffer my loneliness...


i need you to understand
that i have to stop this for your own sake...
for what we had was too much to handle
and difficult for me take...


but still i am grateful
ive had the chance of knowing you...
but that won't be enough for me
not to stay true...


i have to face alone
whatever there is left for me and you...
there's one thing i am really sure of
and that's ive truly loved you...



(xxx)
enough said.

october 20, 2006

…just in the mood for writing blog entries
…im so used to writing journals
…but obviously I had to stop for reasons that I've preoccupied myself too much with school stuff
…and im having clinical duties, case studies, ward classes and all

…I have to juggle a lot of things all at the same time…

However, there are some points in our lives where we just have to accept things and slow down…when every thing seems to be moving fast, we just have to put ourselves to a halt…
Pause our lives.
STOP.

there are lots of things that we have to consider especially if it involves other people…

sad to say…
ive been so down lately…

for the reason that ive just been in a situation where I have to choose between being selfish for letting someone stay or being fair for letting someone go…

but I chose the latter one…

I did let somebody who have been so important to me GO…

today is supposed to be the 6th month of having him in my life not until I asked him to stop…
just last night…

there are some things that I cannot contain about him…
but other than that, the most battle I have to face is within ME…

im having conflicts with how I feel…I just felt that im not ready for a commitment…whenever the feelings get more intense, I have no choice but to withdraw myself from the scenario…

I'm too afraid of the relationship that it might not end up the way I wanted it to…im too scared of taking the risks…im too tired of getting hurt that I have difficulties trusting people…

i cannot gain any more confidence in the people around me…because I always think of them taking advantage of me…

I always get this kind of 'paranoia' when facing these kinds of dilemma…so I just take myself out of the scene and leave the other person alone…

talk about being SELFISH…
im way too selfish than anybody else…because I always think of only myself without considering others' feelings…
I don't consider the hurt that they are going to feel just because of what I did…
I don't think about the effects of my actions and just cause other people pain…

but I have to be FAIR…
I cannot just let other people continue loving me if im having doubts about the whole thing…
I cannot just let them enjoy what we have while I torture myself with mind boggling issues that only I am concerned about…

Truth matters.
And that's what the truth…


That's the reality that I have to work on before letting myself in another situation…
I suppose this is going to take me a lot of time before I could actually let myself go and try again…


I just don't want to hit the 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button once again…
I want to live this life without feeling any guilt…
I want to savor every moment…
But this time, I won't let any strain of doubt get in my way…
I have to take risks…
I have to gain confidence…
I need to be certain.
I need to find security.
I have to trust…AGAIN.



(xxx)
enough said.

***utak na lito

anong mali.
hindi ko alam.

bakit palagi na lang mali ang nakikita?
wala na bang ganda ang mundo?

sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid mo, kaya mo pa bang talikuran ang totoo?

masaklap.

oo.

masakit.
mahirap.

pero ang lahat ng iyon ay dapat.
bakit?
dahil sabi ng Diyos.

Sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. pero ang lahat ng mga pangyayari'y itinakda. kaya mo bang ipagpaliban ang iyong nararamdaman?
oo.

bakit?
dahil handa kang masaktan. handa mong tanggapin ang lahat para sa taong iyong piniling mahalin.

kailangan?
oo.

dahil dapat kang maging handa sa lahat ng puwedeng mangyari para sa kaligayahan ng iba.

kung natural sa tao ang magmahal, bakit may nananakit?

bakit dapat may nasasaktan???



(xxx)
enough said.

end of august

im hurt


my heart's torn apart..


things were not easy
for me to understand..

BUT i cannot blame it on my heart..
coz im bleeding big time

it was nobody's fault..
i know we did our parts..

yet time really tested us..
and for 5 months..
things have never been simple..

everything's complicated since the beginning
we were able to race through every problem
we kissed every sunshine when nothing
seems so wrong...


but destiny still has its final say..
one of us is too weak to GO on and stay..


i don't feel like letting go
but that's what my mind thinks i should do..
i cannot anymore let my heart prevail..
coz every time it does, i end up getting hurt...

ive been so down lately that i cannot make
myself true

and ive tried to weigh matters and see how things would flow
but.
things are not the way they were before...

im sure ive given it a fair chance

but id rather keep things this way...
thank you for the love..id sure keep them in me..

but please..
let me fly...
even with my broken wing.....
id try..


(xxx)
enough said.

stars

Looking back on what I said all those years ago,
all the hopes and dreams I had,
I've come to the conclusion that:

if having things turn out the way you wanted them to, is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments.
Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny.
And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home...



(xxx)
enough said.

for you

time really had its way to let me
know you...


you were no one
but a stranger..
a nobody in my life...

yet destiny
changed it all..

what i thought to be only a shared friendship
was brought to a higher level..


but things
happened
gradually..


we would catch each other online and
would rarely chat...

we were busy
with our own
lives then...

eventually..

we
became fond of
each other..


what i thought to be a nobody
suddenly became the most important person in my
life..

at first i was like hesitant to
believe the things that you were telling me..

but finally
i gave in...

for there's no reason to doubt in you in the first place...

you showed me comfort and care...
your sweetness is just so overwhelming..
you have your own unique way of expressing your feelings for me..

i admit there were times when i cant help
but question what you have for me..

the truth is..


i am way too scared to end up being all
alone...

i need your assurance..
i need security


for there's nothing i want more in this life
but you..

we've got a long way ahead of us...
and i expect more than the day our eyes met..
someday..
luck will be on our side..

just stay hate....
it's more thanenough...

___ you still....


(xxx)
enough said.

envy or jealousy

are u envy or jealous?
or u just cannot tell????

in my opinion...envy and jealousy are similar to fear...
yes.

fear.

we are afraid of lots of things that we misinterpret our anxiousness (caused by fear) to envy or jealousy...

you say you're jealous of your friend's achievement when in fact you are just afraid that you'll end up being a loser and left behind...
you say you're envious of your parent's attention to your younger brother or sister when in fact you are just afraid to be deprived of their love and attention...

these things are only in our minds...once we pause and rationalize things as they come, we'll get to realize that being envy or jealous is not a big issue at all...

as these things could be overcomed in a mind over matter manner...

we easily become judgmental and opinionated...that we oftentimes overlook things and rely on our own interpretations...
realities are overshadowed by our shallow minds...

so...

don't let envy and jealousy get the best of you....


dig deeper...sense what's there to be sensed...
respond positively...and show others what you've got...



(xxx)
enough said.

talk about bitterness

My thoughts are mine...



Resemblance of fear
Compliance of tear
Consencious minds
And Contemplous finds

Taken by fate
With checkered sorrow and hate
Illusioned by date
Inconsiderably late

Taking control
Of my tickling soul
Shouting my call
To recklessly fall

Waving hello
And saying goodbye
Whatever the role
of all your stupid lies

Stillness of time
And making you mine
Coldness of shadows
With past left behind

You came in disguise
With your troublesome eyes
You never felt sorry
For not hearing my cries...




...talk about bitterness... haayyy...



(xxx)
enough said.

my type of guy

Creative.
Sensitive.

A bit offbeat.

My type is the Artist.

a unique guy who knows how to express
himself in many ways, whether it's through
words,music, or attire.

I'm attracted to his
unconventional ways and his remarkable talents.

He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's
norms.

He believes that individuality is the key to
happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of
his "inner self."

I fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style.



Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just for me

or

writing me a love letter,

this guy knows how to make me feel
special.


He's in touch with his feminine side and
doesn't need to assert his masculinityto feel manly.


If I were to paint a picture of my future, the
Artist would definitely be part of it!



(xxx)
enough said.

sunshine

the countless stars fill up the sky
birds are humming sweet lullabies
rustling leaves kissed by the breeze
as moonlight shadows over the trees

the ocean risks it waves on the shore
without assurance where it's heading for
a spark of faith that shines on its place
keeps the water coming chase after chase

the night has come as another day gone by
filled with moments of happiness and goodbyes
stand up straight with head held high
as every shadow proves the existence of a sunshine

(xxx)
enough said.

what's faith?

What's FAITH?
whose life am i going to see?....
for me to recognize the existence of
a Watcher? a Guide? a Director
of Life here on earth?

Experiences have SPOKEN..
and others' eyes laid on me...


WHAT WILL I DO NOW???

How shall I begin to face this cruelty?

Tomorrow have not yet come...
i still have a long day ahead of me...
is my life ever going to change?....
or will i live forever in this drama that's been killing my time?
Will i get to see changes and
reward my life for its sweetness?
The SUN is yet to SHINE....

I can still see the greenness of
the meadow....
TIME is still in my HANDS..
There's still HOPE...
I'm breathing...

I'm still ALIVE.....



(xxx)
enough said.

loneliness is eating me up!

i am lonely. that's why im sad...im lost..since no one guides me...i am glad to have my friends here...they fill up the emptiness i have within...but i can manage...yes. i can still get hold of myself. however, this sort of emotional breakdown is eating up my time since i spend a lot of moments thinking and reflecting back on my life...have i been sinful that im being punished this way??? have i been that disobedient to be forsaken like this??? i am willing to share my life with others and would love to become a part of theirs: do these make me a bad person??? hell no. i am human...it is natural for me to be with somebody. man is not destined to be alone as God have created Eve for Adam...


the question is....


where is thy Adam that thou God hath made for ME?!?



(xxx)
enough said.

sense me here...hear me loud and clear...

Brightness of the shadow

The ray of light tomorrow

Shines out all my fears

The weakness I reveal

Shared by all the moments

Timeless never ending

Conceived by all the pain

In this blur i remain

Don't you even dare
To look me in the eye

The emptiness I'm feeling

Would never seem to die

Come and sense the sorrow

Of deep and shallow smiles

As long as comes tomorrow

Arms raised, I'm holding tight

I have to go and leave you

And soon I'll fall apart

I'm falling into pieces

With my broken heart


I'll shake off all my sadness...

I have to go.......

(xxx)
enough said.

a bizarre fact on love

have u ever experienced giving something so valuable to someone yet that person afforded to lost it?

it's very disappointing right?it's hard to accept that u have given a lot of ur time and u have really exerted great effort just to be able to give it to that person yet it was taken for granted?

similar with love...

there are lots of human beings out there trying to express their deepest emotions to the persons they have feelings for...yet they are left unrecognized....
anonymous...

unknown..

but despite the hurt that they are undergoing through, they still manage to go on...
facing reality as it is...

for what these people have in their minds is that...

what they are giving were not being asked for by the one that they love...

they do it by choice....by their own will....

so blaming the person was never
an option...


even if it inflicts so much pain...
then so be it....



(xxx)
enough said.

trust

Truth is reality.
and it really does hurt.
why?
because those are the things that we fear to accept and face in our lives.
sometimes, truth can be confusing. especially when other's have betrayed you and destroyed your trust.
what tends to happen is that...
you always misinterpret what is true to be false...
you tend to be too doubtful about others..and you
become unsure of how you will handle situations you're in because of your past experiences with a similar matter....
was it your fault in the first place..why you tend to disbelieve others?
can others take it against you if you become too suspicious and cautious about trusting others since somebody have betrayed you big time??
it was never your choice to be doubtful on others anyway...it is so stressful actually....
yet you always have to treat others fairly..
everyone deserves a fair chance....



(xxx)
enough said.

blog entry number 1

blog...entry number 1

blogs..ahhahhaa...
well...
i cant think of anything relevant to talk about...
hmmm..
life is ironic i guess...ah no...it is...really...ahahahha...i always find it hard to understand how my life wants to unfold itself...however i just let things come and go...im so getting used to being passive and im sooo learning how to ignore things that i think is not significant nor could not affect me in any way...im getting more passive each day of my life.....its hard and its not fun....

because some people view it as pathetic and dramatic...they think that u were only acting and trying to be misunderstood just to be in the bandwagon...when in fact u really are misunderstood....

the hell with them...im mastering the art of sparing myself from the whole....i can exclude myself from situations that i hate being involved in...how? i duno...i guess my mind over matter powers are being enhanced that sometimes i do feel lost inside my self....im having hard times figuring out what i really wanted to be like and who i really am...despite the fact that im trying not be strange or weird in the eyes of other people...
perhaps the bottomline is....you can't hide from others who and what you really are.....

ur actions reflects ur life....
u cnt run away from urself...
dont let it haunt you...


(xxx)
enough said.